Heartbroken [flashback thread, sang-min]

A chime went off in Sangmin's pocket again. It was another message. He slowly closed the cabinet he was in, putting away the last of the supplies. He'd been lingering a little after Culinary Club had ended, putting a few things away "To help Kobayashi-Sensei". At least that's what he'd told himself.

It wasn't that he didn't want to see him. He liked hanging out with Ryan! But he'd started to feel nervous and self-conscious around the other lately. And now they were supposed to be meeting to get some food and "talk", as Ryan had put it. That just made Sangmin worry something was wrong.

Finally he pulled out the phone and replied, an instinctive smile pulling a his face.

To: Ry
(｡´⌒｀ ) I'm Sorry｡｡  I had to clean up the clubroom. Why would I not want to see you??? ( ´△｀)

I'm coming now! (   •̀ ‿ •́ )ﾆﾔﾆﾔ  

He shouldn't have made Ryan wait so long! He felt worse now for that. It was a dickish move. Luckily it took only another minute for Sangmin to get down to the floor where Ryan waited. A nervous smile spread on his face when he saw Ryan at the end of the hallway, a recently familiar feeling when he saw them; Ryan looked far too nice in the school uniform. "Hey! I'm so sorry, Ryan! I didn't think it would take that long." His smile turned into an exaggerated frown and he bowed his head deep, pressing his hands together. 

Finally Sangmin looked up, peeking out from behind his bangs to look at Ryan. "I definitely owe you dinner now. Anything you want, Ry-chan." Something at the back of his mind told him that he also owed Ryan a huge dessert and like fifty new tops.

Sangmin felt his stomach drop. Ryan was obviously upset... He stood up straight, looking at him with a dejected expression. "O-Oh..." Was what spilled out first. It only made him feel ten times shittier. He let out a shaky breath and tried to regain his composure, watching Ryan stand. Sangmin was least prepared for what came next.



"A-Avoiding you?" He stammered. "I..." He wanted to protest, but he really couldn't. Lately he'd been late a lot and it wasn't fair. But it hadn't been completely on purpose... "I wasn't meaning to, Ryan. I'm sorry! No, you've done nothing wrong!" Sangmin frowned as he shook his head, trying to find the words to explain.



Nervously he reached out and touched Ryan's shoulder to comfort them, tilting his head down to try and see Ryan's face. "I do care about you! Y-You know that." Words danced along the tip of his tongue, words that were just too hard to say right now. "Of course I care about you Ryan I..." He stopped, only realizing now how heavy his chest felt and how hard it was getting to breath.

Sangmin let his hand travel to his chest, the hand lying flat across his heart along the edge of his blazer. A frown had set itself on his face, eyes fixated to the marble floor beneath them. He felt like he couldn't look at Ryan right now. That face was sad and heart-rending. It made him feel way too many emotions at once.

"I just..." He pulled at the sleeve of his shirt, the words still escaping him. "I don't know if we should... I don't know if I'm ready for this. It's weird..." The words were heavy on his tongue like molasses, thick and slow and suffocating. His eyes finally flickered upwards, a hard lump in his throat. "I'm not... I'm sorry." Sangmin finished, unable to come up with any excuse that even sounded good. They were all terrible. He was terrible.

Clearly, this was even worse then Sangmin could have imagined. This was why he'd been avoiding this! He didn't want to hurt Ryan... He didn't want to hurt himself either... He definitely didn't want to not be with Ryan it was just... Why was this so complicated?

"R-Ryan..." He started when he heard the trembling in the words. "Ryan, wait! I wasn't trying to make you cry! This isn't you..." Sangmin tried reaching out for them, hand stopping short. He was just gonna make this worst. Why had they had to talk about it?!

"It's not like that! It's... me..." He tried to insist, following him until Ryan was at the door. "It's not..." His chest tightened, struggling to swallow the dizzying, sad sickness that had crept up in him.